The Labour Party Conference was thrown into disarray on Monday as delegates, some of whom had travelled hundreds of miles to attend, were met with large queues to enter the Conference Hall at Liverpool’s Albert Dock.  One elderly couple from North Lincolnshire, en route to a holiday in North Wales, exclaimed that they “had never seen so many suits and badges”.

Yet, despite months of planning, the queuing delegates found little in the way of sustenance and reports flooded in of a distinct lack of savoury snacks to abate their hunger.  One delegate, speaking exclusively, informed us that there were no Mini Cheddars, Quavers or Chipsticks.  Similarly, there appeared to be no evidence of cheese and pineapple on cocktail sticks.  Nor, it would appear, silver-skin pickled onions.

A potentially ugly situation was only slightly addressed as delegates were plied with free copies of the Daily Mirror and Politics Top Trumps games.  However, the mood of the crowd was again turned as Mr Kevin McGuire, a long serving journalist of some note, informed the crowd of a “Snack Kiosk” disaster.  Mr McGuire, a well known lover of all things crust based, who was alongside the incident at the time reported “sewage” bubbling up the drain.  He added that he “saw it happen” and “smelt it” concluding with the line that he “wished I hadn’t eaten that pie”.

The tension reached a high-point when reports hit the Conference Hall that snack trolleys laden with Nori Seaweed Rice Crackers, chocolate based confections and nuts were being wheeled around South London office blocks sparking a heated debate on a distinct North/South divide in the provision of savoury snacks.

Some members of the angry crowd, including Nic Dakin MP for Scunthorpe County, were later appeased by a glass of red wine courtesy of the BBC World Service but for many, staring hunger full in the face, the debate rumbled on late into the evening.  Fortunately, there were no reports of stone-throwing youths or looting although one local delegate was warned after trying to replenish their glass for a second time.

Pressed as to whether the shortfall in snack provision was Labour Party Policy, Party grandees and Policymakers remained tight-lipped though unconfirmed reports tell of local members being overheard to say “would you mind passing me that bowl of cheese footballs?” and that they did not put “too much emphasis on the words of Community-based journalists over Labour’s policy on snacks, or indeed any other crises within the Party”.  Sources close the action informed us that “Bloggers and Twitterers were likened to the many pork pies in evidence”.

Nevertheless, Jamie Reed, Member of Parliament for the Copeland Constituency, showed his mettle and spoke exclusively.  During a late interview, he said there were no easy answers to the problem but that personally he would “eschew stick based solutions, opting instead for maize based cheesiness”.  He added that he was pushing “for wholesale Wotsit expansion”.  Quite how this response will be met in Silver-skin Pickled Onion circles is yet to be fully known but one Cheese Twist consumer was adamant about the future – “it’s Cheese Twists, end of chat”.

Mr Ian Cawsey, former Member of Parliament for Brigg and Goole and well-known member of a beat-music combo, was not available for comment.  There were no arrests.